Esther Sim

I've moved

2008-05-10T02:18:00.002+08:00

My 503rd post, and my final post on this blog....

After so many years of having an emo blog URL, i've changed it, and changed a blog host. Just because...... i don't want to use back blogspot. muahah i sound so defiant.

So for those who are always actively updating your links, you're free to re-link me. And for those who are don't have the link page or are lazy to update, you can just come here and click on the link below, or go to a blog where the blogger is active enough to update their links.

renewedpassion.wordpress.com

2008-05-07T17:54:00.002+08:00

Doesn't time just fly.... Only 3 more days to the end of 40 days fast. I can still remember the week that i shared about fasting in cell group. The army boys are back from their 35 days training in Taiwan. And even Jonny is back from ________ (This place that is down-er or up-per from Nepal) after being there for almost 4 months. And my birthday's coming! which means half the year is gone...

My laptop is sorely underused now that i've gone to work. I have no motivation to turn on my com at home after facing the computer for almost 8 hours at work. Since I'm not THAT busy, i've read all the blogs i want to read, chat with all whom i want to chat and done everything on the computer that i want to do..

I'm really craving for breakfast mifen and bk breakfast! ahhh their hashbrown! My mouth's watering even as I type about it...

on love...

2008-05-04T21:33:00.002+08:00

When it becomes hard to love, it's when real love begins.

I have to admit that it's hard to put away all the hurts and misunderstandings and own feelings and choose to pray for the grace to love despite all.

I'm still learning, learning to love a little like how God loved and accept His love. I'm learning to see myself - the sinner, condemned, unclean.. Yet not dwelling in that self pity, but rest upon His love. His provision - to cease from my works.

Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little. (Luke 7:47)

Emo first, random later

2008-04-30T15:41:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i wish you didn't know so many things. It just makes it so difficult as it reminds me of the exact same situation a few years ago just the opposite roles. Struggling within me to reply or not... And hopefully as seconds, minutes, hours and eventually days pass in just thinking about it, would make the urge to reply lessen.

It's not hatred.. I'm just learning to protect myself..

The rest of the post is for gabriel alone, who complains that I'm far too busy for him so that he has to use other means to get to know how I'm doing. And his other means is just my blog! So uncreative! Haha!

So i'm going to blog so that he'll know what's up with me, and reiterate the fact that I AM indeed too busy for him!!!! MUAHAHHAHA just kidding la! Anyway he's in Thailand now, so he'll probably read this a few weeks later.

Work's getting busier as I know more things and am entrust with more on my plate. My bosses are out as well as my fellow "form labs" buddy. So i'm left alone doing this area of work. Explaining my busy situation. At least it feels more like work now. But fortunately / unfortunately due to super slow loading in this forms lab program. I've about 1 min each load of the page to do my own things. Which can add up to a few hours a day.

My first ever OT yesterday.... Which actually was ok, except for 72 which during the timing of (8pm - 9pm) has a interval of 30 minutes per bus. Which is disgusting especially if i reach the interchange at 8, and only manage to reach home at 845!

Gabriel, what else you wanna know?

Erm.... Oh! i have a new hobby, known or unknown to some... After risking the perception of me being aunty-ish, i signed up for a sewing course in the CC. It's not as aunty as it sounds although i'm the youngest there. But the whole learning to sew, and making clothes, and drawing fashion designs... neither of it is aunty-ish. But there are aunties in the course who chooses aunty cloth and thus produce aunty skirts. As for me, my cloths are very much NON-aunty ok! it feels good looking at magazines and realising that you can re-create the clothes you see, and these fits you exactly.

even the shopkeeper in chinatown say i look younger than 22 ok! In my office wear somemore. She totally made my day.. We're currently learning how to make blouses.. Because of this course, i have minimal Monday blues, since the class falls on monday.

And last week, i received the acceptance letter to Tung Ling Bible College. I'm going over for a 3 months course before i decide on anything else. My parents haven't been the most supportive, but they aren't taking it too hard (as wilfred put it, it's low cost since it's only for 3 months) Oh, it'll start in July.

This is like the snap shot view of how and what i'm doing now. oh, i need to add that designers are quite cool. Working in a media company and seeing the designers work on flash and animation to make an advertisement for well-known companies is really quite interesting.

OK! i'm done with updating gabriel about my life. muhahha

1st day of work tomorrow

2008-04-20T23:19:00.002+08:00

This isn't the first time i've gone to work, neither is this job a make or break thing for me. In fact, everything about this job has gone very very well so far. But the unknown factor in a new environment does put a certain amount of pressure and anxiety in me. And of course that unspoken expectation that is on me even before i start working.

It has gotten quite tiring to explain why i'm doing a part time job now as opposed to a full time. Or why i'm not relaxing longer before i find a job that i really like. Or... what are my concrete plans for the future. And because it is personal and it take quite a bit of courage to step out, I never liked explaining my decision to concerned-adults-who-tend-to-ask-what-i'm-going-to-do-now-that-i've-graduated that much.

it's back to a disciplined schedule of sleeping early, waking up early and working!

2008-04-12T00:33:00.004+08:00

HSBC has really nice adverts eh...
The one where HSBC caters their plans to every kind of customer, and the new one with the red colour points that look like playdoh and can be miracously knead into sunglasses and a camera and an aeroplane!

But i don't seem to see them for a very long time or very often too.. As compared to others, or maybe they just don't appear too much during the time slot where i watch TV.

I wonder who's the one that think of all these ideas... and where they get the ideas from... How can one be continuously inspired to think of all these stuff...

oh ya.. there's this very nice guy's voice on heartlight.org that reads out bible verses... He's really good at reading eh! but he only reads in NLT version. I think it'll be too much to want him to read the bible so many times right.. And he pronouce names in the bible like "Melchizedek" super well..

Graduation and credit cards

2008-04-02T00:01:00.007+08:00

I've graduated!! Although no officially and i still have a reflective paper to write before it's really ALL OVER... but at least i don't have to go to school anymore. It was quite weird because it wasn't after an exam as it would be usually. A final presentation and a report concluded everything. We were furiously taking pictures at the end of class because this is the last time the whole (ok one-third) of HRC cohort would come together again. For the first time, i'm actually quite excited about convention. oh it's the day where we wear our square hat and this gown thing and take MORE pictures.

We're all in business attire... like so ready to go out to work. Actually, it didn't really hit me until we said goodbye (hate goodbyes!) when i realise that this might be the last time we see each other again, unless of course we take the effort to meet up outside. These friends aren't very close, in fact little or none of them knows what's going on with me outside school, yet they have been the very people whom i spend almost all the 2nd half of my uni days with... i think i'll miss them.

On a very very random note... one of these girls knows u5... the world very small ah...

aiyo... constrast it with my JC grad photo.... interesting.... the difference... is that i take more pictures now.. and i carry a more girly bag.. i didn't put up my Sec school grad photos.. because... i look too nerdy then... oh... if you look carefully... it seems like i've put my school badge on the wrong collar!!!! adoi..2 years in SR, and i don't know how to wear my uniform correctly..

Actually why do people get so happy when they graduate? I guess it's just a form of accomplishment bah. Because even though you've graduated, doesn't mean things are going to be easy what... the working world is bad, and you need to find your direction, and you need to earn money leh! it's just that since young, you've been told that you need to study hard and enter university and finish your education. So this day is probably THE day every students is working towards...

Anyway talking about the working world.. or the world in general. It's a very practical world! I was walking out of boon lay mrt station and this indian guy approached me. He was very nice and he wanted to take 5 mins of my time. Since i was early, so i gave him that 5 mins he wanted. He asked me not to worry cos he wasn't trying to sell something to me, so i wasn't worried. He then asked me to hold a piece of laminated paper, and on it was a picture of a credit card (platinum ok... not gold... platinum) and then started his sales pitch.

Indian guy: blah blah blah blah (I can't remember what he said but it's probably the usual la.. introducting the card, say it's free subscription, can cancel it anytime i want... )

Me: *thinking* i can't afford this...

Indian guy: I'm sure you have a credit card right?

Me: er... haha no.. i'm still a student

Indian guy: OH no...... i wasted my energy.... haha find me next time when you've started work ok?

Me: er.. hehe... thanks... *returns laminted paper and walk away*

You know why he's so sure that i have a credit card? BECAUSE.... i was wearing a business suit! I had a presentation today... NTU has groomed us well enough so that when we go out, we already look like working professionals.

Anyway, it's the wrong place to be la, to be trying to target working class people in boon lay. Because NTU is there, and this week is presentation week, so you can expect almost the whole of business school students to go to school in their business suit. So if he's going to sieve out the working class people by what they wear, he's going to waste a lot of energy talking to students who are busy memorising their script for their presentation.

ah!! i've graduated... i'm too old for school and too young for work...

2008-03-30T00:31:00.003+08:00

Nice nice pumps from Topshop! but $43... who would buy it for me.......

2008-03-25T23:58:00.003+08:00

ahhHH!!!!

my dad just told me that there's this man who's handphone bill went up to S$300,000 (or is it S$30,000, anyway it's still alot) because he used GPRS to download video to watch!!

Aiyo... so poor thing!

i probably said like 10+ "Aiyo" when i heard about it.

Can imagine how he feel when he get his bill and realise that he spend so much because he download videos. Then have to go to court because of it, and kena bankrupt because of it!? aiyo. really very poor thing leh... I mean of course he should have known that GPRS usage has to be paid for, and that he should use the Internet instead! but still, if i were him, i think i would...... i dunno how I'll be! unimaginable.

Can't wait till graduation!

2008-03-25T19:02:00.003+08:00

and i can't believe that i said that! Because i used to be so upset about graduating and having to go out to the working world and yadda yadda.

But... with only one module this semester and with FYP out of the way, other things have rise up in their priority and studying is only for the sake of clearing that one and only module and graduating. But it seems to unbelievable that my studying "career" is over... Ruoling in university... it still holds some "ahhhhh" feeling. I keep having the thought that WHAT IF i miscalculated and i have a certain number of credits still waiting for me to clear, which means i need to stay back another semester. The thought is scary and very unwanted.

But it's just a very 无聊 thought, because according to a table in my degree audit, i've cleared everything that i need to clear...

actually the only reason why i can't wait to graduate is because i can finally do what i want... you know how people (especially the parents) always say things like "wait till you finish your education"... and i've come to the point of finishing my education. Basic education at least.

1 apr - my last day of school... (literally)

Goodbyes

2008-03-13T11:17:00.003+08:00

I miss camp.... again.

I was on my way home last night, when i suddenly had the weird feeling in the stomach. And it could be attributed to the missing of camp. Actually i just miss the late night talks and the no-needness of saying goodbye.

Hate goodbyes..

安全第一

2008-03-10T12:15:00.004+08:00

It was good to have some air time, a time to let tears flow, true emotions show, and be vulnerable in front of those who really cared.. Cared enough to let me let me talk through tears and sobs for 45 minutes, cared enough to 'dig' the information out of me, cared enough not to give up because i didn't open up.

I realise that i'm normal and it was nice for once after 4 years of struggling to have people standing by supporting and telling me that everything's going to be ok （for this issue). And how God feel so close suddenly after being aware of how i'm truly feeling. It is so much easier praying now, breathing better... learning once again to find comfort in God. And realising once again how precious His grace, how it has sustained me through the mistakes and struggles.

Not that everything's fine and dainty now, but at least it's moving in the right direction. It is too much to expect people to 'treat me with care' when I don't tell them that i'm 'fragile'.

If in heaven, our lives will be played on a huge projector screen during judgement day, going through every detail in my life. I believe when it comes to 9 March 2008 (12+pm) and i see my partner in 'crime' and me sneaking to the carpark in Golden Mile Tower, I'll burst out laughing..

Our act of 'vandalism'

A small surprise to someone who has done so much for his sheeps.

2008-03-07T01:38:00.004+08:00

wah... must fiona xie eat the fried chicken until like it's the best food on earth!!?!??!?!

This urge to eat fried chicken.... juicy.. crispy... succulent chicken..... ah!!!!!!!!!!!!

argh!

2008-02-26T03:28:00.001+08:00

3.30am... and i've just finished my fyp report.. 1st draft of the final report..

FYP lives up to it's name.

2008-02-24T23:24:00.003+08:00

Thank God for pastor who spends time kneeling at the foot of the cross, living a pure and holy life so that God can speak through him. I looked at the sermon topic today.. and i teared..

God remembers me..

Forgetting those thing which are behind and reaching forward to those thing which are ahead, i press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind. - Phil 3:13-15 (emphasis mine)

2008-02-21T23:16:00.003+08:00

Don't know if i'm doing the right thing with this sense of regret creeping in.. the 'what ifs'

But.. it's all been said and done... The fact is, i'll never know whether it's the right decision, maybe time will tell.. when the fog clears up and God's purpose for this seem clearer.

I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue
Where . else . can . I . go .

Anyway.

We had this video conference with the whole HRC cohort today, which happens to only be 70+ people (very little ah, maybe some pon). It was this e-learning thing, where we enter this like chatroom where we can see ppt slides, our lecturers face and there's this msn chat thingy. And it was actually quite fun! The lecturer could click on anyone of us, and we'll go "live" and we can talk and the whole world (ok those in the conference) can hear us. Pearle and my sis was with me when all these was going on, and haha it was very funny la.

The advances of technology. It felt like i was in another world, where i was suddenly connected to so many people. Until of course i got bored of the lecture, and went around the house finding food instead of listening to the prof, then it seems like just a recorded lecture. But when i could hear people talking, and typing furiously in the chat box, it was actually quite fun!

2008-02-11T22:10:00.000+08:00

As i relate to Pearle what God did for me in one of my down point in life, i suddenly realized how much God has done for me and how much He revealed Himself to me.

We tend to compare ourselves with others and lament that we (ok la, I) don't have supernatural experiences like i don't get to go to heaven and don't hear God's voice and God don't come down personally and tell me stuff... But God has been very real to me. I don't need these stuff to convince me that God is God.

2008-02-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

I didn't know i was old enough to warrant questions about marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's with chinese new year and marriage related questions... being the 2nd oldest female maternal-side granddaughter makes relatives very fond of asking questions like that.. my oldest cousin couldn't take it when they questioned her and her bf, and she tried to turn the tables on me. She's 28.. that's 6 years older than me! If you're wondering why they're talking about marriage now, it's because they talked about relationships a few years ago...

My mom is starting to have what-if-my-daughter-is-never-going-to-get-married jitters. After asking many questions about how's my friends like in university and how i pass through my attachment, she went...

"how are you going to meet your lifetime partner?"

I don't know! wait for him to drop from the sky? Wilfred asked me about 3 years ago, how do you see yourself when you grow up. And i went.. i don't know, maybe marry, have a family. My reply has changed since..

I read an article/book that people used to think that celibacy is only for the full time ministers, the 'holy' people. But the bible actually says...

But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am - 1 Cor 7:9

I gasped a little gasp when i read it.. Of course it's not a commandment, neither do you sin if you marry. Apostle Paul say one. And he explained why later.

There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world how she may please her husband - 1 Cor 7:34

hello.. don't think only for females ok, he talks about the males first..

Maybe i should prepare a script for my parents and relatives and friends who talks about boyfriends and marriage and yada yada... i think i would say...

"don't know.. i don't think i'm getting married.. Might be a nun!" Scare them.. at least they'll be speechless for a few moments while i snigger under my breath.

2008-02-02T22:38:00.000+08:00

done my best!

but there's this nagging feeling in me that constantly reminds me that my best doesn't seem enough.

that's why i need God so much.

2008-01-29T22:39:00.001+08:00

YAY!

i was used as an example!!!!

Everytime we have to upload our work online, my prof will state the proper way to name our file so that she can easily identify everybody. And this time.... my name was used as an example! My initials to be exact.

Haha i know it's not a very big deal, not as if i've been picked out for good work or anything noteworthy, but the idea of me being used as an example is still quite shiok. At least it made my day since it was shown in class while she annouced it.

Come to think of it... she had to explain to (or rather remind ) us verbally how to name our file even after writing it out on blackboard. If our prospective employers were to see how simple instructions need to be explained (speaks volumes of the trust the profs have in us eh..), they'll think twice about hiring us - fresh graduates.

2008-01-27T22:02:00.000+08:00

It's been so long, yet tears still whelm up.

What can i do.... but attempt to move on.

Hopefully in some time to come, I'll read this entry again and wonder what i was talking about. Because that would mean that I've really put it behind me...

But one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, i press towards the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus - Phil 4:13-14

2008-01-17T23:19:00.000+08:00

My final time table. One module, two day week, Last semester. And all these just means that i have a lot of time these days and I'm graduating soon. Having so much time, makes me wonder if there are more productive things that i can be doing.

It has come to stage where I've checked up community centers courses to see if there are any that interest me. And although it sounds aunty-ish, and only people who stays at home and have nothing to do, or those who need to upgrade themselves, or children who already have alot of things to do but their parents think that there must be some undiscovered talent in their kids and thus make use of courses in CCs to awaken these talents, *deep breath* i have to admit that the courses they have looks quite interesting although the price is a little daunting. Then again they probably cost only as much as the jeans you're wearing.

And if you're wondering... no... i haven't signed up for any.

Yet.

2008-01-14T11:41:00.000+08:00

Even in simple, mundane, compulsory, school-environment of subject registration, is an opportunity for obedience regardless of any circumstances that pop up along that way that may prove your decision otherwise.

2008-01-10T00:29:00.000+08:00

It's 12.30am and i just opened my blackboard to see if there was any lecture notes to print out for the very first lecture that I'm having at 430pm this afternoon. And after looking through at all the announcements and things that were posted up, I am very intimidated.

According to the announcements, we had to upload this personal data thing that asked us about our ambition, our PA company for i-don't-know-what facilitation that's going to happen in the classroom. And I looked at our project requirement and after glancing through 2 paragraph decided to leave the torture till tomorrow where it'll be explained to us in lecture. And i also looked at this weird looking document that i had never seen before which actually contains samples of team profiles that we have to do! For a team we need to work with for 13 weeks, we need to come up with a team name, team members roles, mission, vision, etc.... adoi.... is that really needed?

I heard it's a demanding module. And i don't deny it because i saw the how much readings that we had to do and i heard that the tutor was bad and presentations was every week. And the whole course takes up 4 hours seminar and 2 hours lecture every week. NO wonder they put this module in our last semester.

First they can torture us for the last time without us easily giving up because this is our last module and everybody wants to graduate. And it is definitely a stay-away-from-studying signal that they want to give to every student so that everybody will quickly go out and work after they graduate. And those who stay back for master's program will be those who comes out unfazed by the tortures in this module. So they know that only the cream of the crop stays, so it's a natural selection process.

But.... i'm not really scared la, though i don't really look forward to all the "This course is very demanding and i require you to work really hard in it. This will be the last core module before you graduate and.... " yada yada.. and the tutor who comes into the room and lay down 1001 class rules and "You all are adults and I expect you to behave like one".

And although i may sound as if I'll be the most rebellious student in the class, when school starts tomorrow, I'll be one who is furiously taking notes when the teacher is talking about course requirements and raising up her hands when the teacher ask "Who can tell me what is HR metrics?"

By the way what's HR metrics?

2007-12-29T01:53:00.000+08:00

YAY!!!

its done!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFHnhEjxljo

Er... for those who don't know, it's the full version so means it has part 1 in it too.. :)

Oh ya.. i just need to talk about Inter Hall Darts Competition. I can't seem to be able to tell others how much i enjoy playing darts. I really enjoy it and i don't see it as a sport too.. BUT! It requires physical effort too ok, you can get muscle ache from throwing darts and it is such a mental game. Especially during compeition, the constant reminder not to think negative, to concentrate on the game, to aim, to focus... And although there's a high element of tyco-ness and 'luck', skill is involved ok!

We got into the finals for Inter Hall Darts!!!! First time in 14 years!! We broke record! And i thank God.. He was the one that brought me through all the games and help us win. Haha i admit that I'm good at the game, but then again it is common to lose to someone who is not a skillful as you. The whole compeition brought me closer to God, to rely on His grace and honor Him in my speech and actions. Something that Mei mei said that truly brought all focus back to God, she say pray more, cos she wants me to come back with a medal... She didn't say play harder, or do well or good luck, but pray more.

I did! a Silver medal. All glory to God.

I want to play darts......

2007-12-29T01:21:00.000+08:00

I love Christmas cards!! although that's not the reason for Christmas, but it's something that i really look forward to.. Mary has this thing in her to write the best things in her cards that will never fail to make me feel like crying.. For the others that i didn't mention, don't despair.. hahah because i do treasure and appreciate your cards!!

My house is in the midst of painting. My dad wants to repaint the house and we're doing it one room at a time. So the toilets, kitchen, utility room, master bedroom and my room are done! I'm going to help my dad with the 'corridor' and the dining room tomorrow... It's really fun. And it's such a good family get-together. And it's just fun to paint!! It's really seldom where you can do stuff on the wall.. So now my room is in a nice shade of green (which Mei mei chose) and i like it alot..

The camp video is in currently being uploaded on Youtube and it's taking a really long time, but everytime i look at that page, and get a little impatient and the time it's taking, there's this small note at the bottom of the page that never fails to remind me to be patient.. "Please be patient, the uploading will take a few minutes" That's why even though i would really like to end this post with the youtube link for the camp, i can't....

Victor showed me how to solve the rubic cube... and wahhhh it takes MEMORY ok... it's really not easy and although i keep nodding and saying "hmm hmm" i really didn't know what he was talking about. I could just only catch a little here and there. And when it was my turn to try solving the cube, i was still lost... Mei mei so clever, she actually knew what victor was talking and could help in explaining to me too.. anyway victor's teaching method reminded me alot about the time when John was teaching me Physics. I miss him leh... seems so long since i last really talked to him and enjoyed a laugh with him..

Talking about missing... i miss bee and ca. Looking through the camp photos, it struck me at how many photos ca has!! And all her photos were best pictures to put in the video because it captured so much emotions and spur-of-the-moment good shots.. And i realised many of our laughs and high moments we had was when bee and ca is around.. Like in ECP, today in michael's house, Vittles trip, aiyo.. and many many la.. It is really different with them around..

And Darren keeps reminding me of Eufai can... The way they talk is different, but then... ya.. there's just something in him that reminds me of Eufai... Today Darren was wearing a brown polo shirt, and its not an ordinary brown polo shirt but it has er white cloth? that sticks out of the bottom of the shirt and the sleeves.. Eufai has that shirt lor... -_-''''''''''

I'll miss Jonny too... ahhhhhhhhh!!!!
If the next person to leave is me, will i be spared of the sad, butterflies-in-the-stomach, missing moments everytime it's time to say goodbye?

2007-12-15T00:40:00.000+08:00

I seriously like miss camp sooooo much! and it's making me sad lor.. cos i miss camp...

I miss the

late night talks till like 4.30am and the next day we had to wake up at 6.30am
nonsense at the breakfast table cos everybody was just so tired
games where everybody was dirty and wet and just enjoying themselves
atmosphere where it was light and everybody was in their oldest t-shirt and shorts
laughing, where we laugh at anything and everything
sleeping with 7 other people in the room
waking up at 6.30am and shouting across the toilet to mary and charlene that it was freezing cold
'wuaying' at kevin and gerry because they took all the unglam shots of us
eating supper at super late
not having to say bye at all
seeing each other for at least 18 hours a day
worship session (esp during finale night)
asking each other whether they want to bathe together
and just spending time together....

Not to forget hearing people say they miss camp too, that they hope next year's camp will faster come, and all the encouragement that they gave...

and personally, how God worked - turning the whole camp around in just 3 weeks, how He graciously worked through me.. how it all started to make sense on the last day.. how God build me up through the camp.. how God spoke to me personally, how this has become another milestone for me...

and in all these misses, i kinda forgot all the stressed up-ness, the helplessness, tthe huge responsibilities, the late nights tossing and turning in bed, the intense thought process, the time spent meeting and coordinating.... the tears and blood... (hahha okok)

This is what makes it all worth it...

this is why.. even though i always say "i'll never organise anything again", still I take up the next activity and say.... i'll organise it...

Kevin uploading the video that we watched on finale night on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUSMgM-XSEE

2007-12-10T22:25:00.000+08:00

i don't understand why gmail must link up with blogspot! i mean of course its convenient for people who are using only one email - gmail. but it's totally not convenient for me when i keep having to sign out of gmail when i want to blog.

End of Revolution 2007.. and i want to blog about it.. but then words aren't enough to express how I truly felt and i can't seem to capture everything I experienced and thought in an entry... So....... i decided against blogging about it.

I miss camp! and that's an understatement.

2007-12-07T13:38:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging in the middle of camp right now, when everybody's playing bball or soccer, and some are practising for the skit. I'm waiting for the dark clouds to pass and i'm sure everythin will be fine once the games are suppose to start.

Hi to ca and lichu who are looking at me blog right now... On a random note, i'm very bloated because i drank a whole cup of mango juice before i started eating nasi lemak.

First time as a camp commandant. Not easy. But I'm sure that when God put me as a camp commandant, he knows what's going to happen and every single thing that is going to happen in the camp. So trusting in Him and praying in everything...

Alright! i hope everybody really enjoyed themselves and truly see that change that they are trusting God for in this camp.

2007-12-01T00:48:00.000+08:00

yay! packing list for camp...

2007-11-30T23:24:00.001+08:00

I absolutely need to blog about this, because according to pearle, i need to warn the whole world about it. it's like education for everyone who reads it.. It's like a crime watch plot.

I recieved a call today apparently from the supreme court. so imagine *ring ring*. Esther puts down her transcribing and went to answer the call. So this lady on the other line say that i didn't attend a court case on the 16 Nov and the case will be heard again on 3 Dec at 2.30pm and i need to go. Oh if you don't know it's a very serious offense to not turn up in court, you can be charge for contempt, in chinese it's called miao shi fa ding.

Anyway, i didn't know what was happening and i was very scared. and the lady say that her document show that the police conducted a raid in sembawang in a loanshark's house and there were documents in the house that say that there were two bank accounts that were open in my name. These accounts were used for loan shark transactions. And i'm charge for er... money laundering. I told her i didn't know about the whole thing. So she told me that she would send in the details of the case to the officer in charge of the case and he will call me. So i said ok and waited for the police to call.

A while later, the police called. CID to be precise and say told me about the case again and asked me in detail like my bank account and how much money i have in the banks that were open in my name. And i told him whatever he wanted to know la.. Because he's a police officer and police are our friends unless of course when we were young and we cry then according to our parents, the police will catch us. So at the end, i kept insisting that i didn't know what was going on and he was convinced that i wasn't involved in any loansharks stuff, he say that the police will freeze the accounts that was set up and then i don't have to turn up in court. And like all good policeman, he told me to keep my things properly don't anyhow give out my particulars because the loanshark probably got my particulars because it leaked out.

So i was suppose to be comforted, but i wasn't. I thought it was very weird because

(1) the people that were talking to me all have a PRC accent. I was thinking how come singapore hire so many PRCs. And they were talking to me in chinese, i thought singapore was a nation that spoke in english.

(2) i checked the supreme court website to see if there is such a case as mentioned. And there were cases held on 4 and 5 dec but on the 3rd.. no cases at all.. And all these cases had nothing to do with ah long.

(3) They called my house number so the call could be for anybody in my family, but after i told them my full name and my IC number, she said that she checked it on her computer before realizing that i was the one that was involved. Aren't they suppose to know who's involved before they call my house to tell me that i'm involved?

(4) i did not recieve a court order (a letter to tell me to be present in court). Thank God i studied business law so i know that supreme court has a schedule telling us the dates and time of trails and that there is such thing called a court order

(5) i wasn't called by the police to be a witness or to be called in for investigation. They cannot anyhow bring me to court, i need to know what happen and find a lawyer before the trial can actually happen right? TV shows teach me one.

And because of all these.. i was suspicious, so i found supreme court's number and called to find out whether they do call people to tell them they miss a court day.. And immediately the lady on the next line say.. it's a scam.. do not give out any personal information... the police are already looking into this matter. diao... so i was cheated. The lady also told me to make a police report

So i did. I called the police headquarter and the lady was very nice. And actually it was very comforting to talk to a police (i know she's only a receptionist) but they all go by the same motto "A force for the people" tada! and i am the people so they are there to help me.. Anyway she told me also that it was a scam and told me that probably nothing's going to happen to me because i didn't give out my account number. Actually she asked me some questions like which number they called, what's my name and IC number and i actually hesitated to give them cause i scared it was another scam but i realized that i was the one who called them. I made an online police report somemore. so convenient, i like singapore police force ok..

What i didn't mentioned was how scared i was. I mean on hindsight i see a lot of loopholes and wonder like how to fall into it, but when i first recieve the call i was very scared and you never know whether it's really from the supreme court or not... Criminal leh.. they keep emphasing that i'm a criminal and they are charging me. Plus my parents are not in singapore and i really had no one to turn to except God of course

ANd i need to dedicate a paragraph for my God because i think if God didn't help me, i would have given out my account number, pin number, basically anything that the guy ask me because i was so scared. Thank God that the guy didn't ask me much stuff also. i think he was sian diao because i told him in my account only got 200 dollars. but i felt really alone during that time becuase i had no one to turn to. I prayed before the guy called me so i'm very sure God intervene and wouldn't allow me to be cheated. And this help me to grow.

In fact actually i thought i handled the situation rather well. I mean i was scared and crying and what-to-do-ish, but in the end i still solved the issue. And i made a police report leh.. next time i'll never know whether crime watch will have this inside one of its episodes and i'll know who was the one who called me. then.. i'll blog about it again if i know who's the culprit. I hope they get caught.............

then i got interesting thing to blog about.

ok to end off... if this ever happened to you, you can do one of the following

(1) request to go down to the police station to verify the facts, don't do it on the phone (in fact don't give out particulars on the phone esp IC number and bank account number, government agencies don't do that)

(2) tell them you will call them back, like for my case, request to call them back at the supreme court..

If you know that it's a scam already.... you can...

1. Ask them how's their mother doing..
2. Ask them what's the police force motto and lecture them on why it is important to know the vision of the police force
3. Tell them that it was just nice that they called you because you want to report a case on that there was a scam call where somebody say they were calling from the supreme court... so on and so forth

and basically the list goes on, its only limited by your creativity. Well.. my creativity (for today) stopped at 3.

2007-11-19T00:47:00.001+08:00

i can see it now!

God... it's all for You, it's all for Your glory. Be glorified.

2007-11-12T17:06:00.000+08:00

I cannot forget the scene:

I saw him run towards his father with arms outstretched and smiling in delight. Occasionally screaming because he couldn't contain his joy inside. He ran into his father's embrace as his father lift him up and played with him. At that moment, it was like there was only father and son, enjoying the company of each other.

As i sat there looking at what happened, it reminds me of my heavenly Father and how He must feel when His children come to Him with such joy. No wonder He says "Draw near to Him and He'll draw near to You" How can anybody fail to smile when someone (not even mentioning your own child) being so happy just to see you. And the pride of the father having your child react in such a way when they see you.

Yet i don't see the joy when we come to church on Sunday. Have we grown so used to being with God, that we no longer feel the kind of joy that we used to have. Have we been so caught up with the nitty gritty rituals and the dos and don'ts of a Christian life that we forgot that this is all but a relationship and we were created JUST to have fellowship with God. Or have we not truly known the living God, that we cannot love Him just because He deserves it.

Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it. - Mark 10:15

2007-10-27T20:56:00.000+08:00

Having a sick, depressed, old person at home who's in pain, hearing her speak about sucide doesn't make life easy. Seeing her suffer yet not accepting Jesus who can heal her makes it worse.

But I'm a thermostat
My hope is in You.

I did what i could Jesus. i tried....
Its up to You to prove to her that You're real.
I walk by faith.

2007-10-20T03:04:00.000+08:00

My crush still stands! I thought he will meet a fierce competitor today when my lecturer invited a guest speaker, also a lawyer in a big law firm i suppose. And although his stories were entertaining (i tell you, for us singaporeans ah.. these kinda cases just stimulates our kaypoh juices so its like gossip to us, so it's always nice) BUT he cannot compare to that guy from SMC. *happy smile*

Oh ya.. i have a SLR camera ok! i'm on my way to becoming a professional photographer. I understand photography jargons now like aperture and shutter speed and f-number. I'm proud of myself.

Anyway i just realize from my foriegn friends that being proud is something good leh. They don't see proud as a noun, as in like when somebody is proud (they call it arrogant). They claim that if you're using the word proud, you need to add a "OF *something*" behind so it becomes "proud of something" and it is a... i dunno.. verb, adverb watever ah.. ok i know its not really something that you HAVE to know, but its just interesting. We spend quite long trying to see who's right you know. We even checked dictionary.com u know..

what you don't know is that we bothered to the check the dictionary because we were in the middle of project discussion and we were just so bored..

2007-10-10T21:21:00.000+08:00

i did 2 good deeds today!!

one: i donated blood. And saw rowena in that place too. I was sitting down, talking to my friend and commenting that the doctor was not doing his job because he left his job post (but actually he went to check on a person who felt unwell while donating blood) and then i saw this VERY familar shirt which has the word "redemption point" written on it. It took me like 56.8 seconds to realize that it was a shirt that everybody in charisma had. Then it took another 67.2 seconds to realize that the person wearing it was rowena.

She had that "be nice to me, i'm a first time donor" sticker on her but did not see her donating blood... rowena ah.. bluff ah... haha.. so having saved so many lives that's a good deed! at least most people would agree on that point except my grandma who was shocked and angry that i went to donate blood.. she said in hokkien "you have a lot of blood ah?"

oh and my dad just read the newspaper yesterday that blood transfusion might harm the patient recieving the blood, because as the blood leaves the body, something is lost which would cause the patient to have a higher risk of stroke or something. But after reading the article, i only had one conclusion, its just a matter of dying earlier of lack of blood, or dying later because of stroke or heart disease or whatever. But i heard they have a solution for that already.

in any case, the 2nd good deed!
i spent 2 sms on my lecturer to do a poll that he asked us to do during the lecture.

muahahha he had 2 questions that we wanted us to do, but wanted to be sophisticated and ask us to send sms to vote instead of simply raising our hands, so we obediently cooperated. But, the system could not handle such a large amount of sms at one shot, so while about 300 send their sms, the system only read the most 100 or much lesser. So ultimately, we raised our hands to vote. -_-'''

2007-10-07T00:18:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make...

i think i have a crush!

On the speaker that was talking to us from the Singapore Mediation Centre. After almost 8 years of normal boring school stuff, we went for a field trip! can you imagine.. Final year uni student going on a field trip! The innocent smiles on our faces, the excited sparkle in our eyes, the incessant chatter of..........

21 year old kids..

Anyway, we went to the supreme court *wah* and sat in for a hearing *wah wah* and I think we were very amusing to the security guards who were guarding the place. As part of the field trip we were scheduled for a lecture by this guy from the Singapore Mediation Centre

Pardon me for my apparant hua chi-ness but

He was the best speaker i ever came across. He wasn't particulary handsome, but he was charming! He spoke very clearly, entertainingly and he was very witty. The lecture was more like a story! I think i'll do really well in this topic. He answered our questions very funny-ly. For example, there was this girl in the class who asked him why does so many cases revolves around the construction industry. And his answer was, er because construction people like to fight? We were so amused! Ok i know it doesn't sound particularly interesting as I typed it out, but because the atmosphere was filled with this eager anticipation for him to say something really intellectual that can make us wow, and then when he said that, it just caught as off guard. I like the way he started the whole lecture! I wish all my lecturers were like him.... *sigh*

I have this tutor who's exactly very opposite! And i'll get to see him each week for 4 hours. 4 Looooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng hours. I never fail to roll my eyes at everything he says. Even if he is just talking about some assignment we have to do.

2007-09-28T00:36:00.000+08:00

I'm like up to here *points to neck* with my school work and project work.. and busy finding jobs to improve my financial status. I feel like saying that i need a break.. but i don't really need a break... i need God.. as long as i'm assured that these stuff are exactly what God wants me to do, and He is supporting me in it, and I'm in His will, and He'll be with me throughout it, then i guess i'll be ok...

But..... i haven't got to that point yet.. which is why i'm feeling so weighed down by all these things.

My holidays are over and my over-ambitious plan to catch up with my studies is well... over-ambitious. All i've done is my project work which i would also do even if i went to school.. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hahaha my first post after not blogging for so long and its filled with misery and downcastedness.. okok i know very drama.. but its really how i feel now and i just found the mood to blog today..

i like the 9pm show!! but tomorrow's show is about how wanrou is going to get tortured and rape.. adoi.. i don't like! i wished that would all happen in today's episode.. i don't like people like that leh...and tomorrow is the masked man.. ARGHHH i hate masks! i think i might skip tomorrow's episode... ok.. maybe not...

I went for Jonny's grad tonight and the dean of the school of leadership talked about me... *awwww* ok la.. he talked about Esther in the bible....

i saw a joke written on the sbs bus on the way to church of Singapore. SO it shall be a closing to my first blog post after a long long time.. here goes..

Qn: Why did the field became hot after the soccer game?
Ans: Because all the fans have gone home...

2007-08-25T01:02:00.001+08:00

I have this great tendency to drown everything out by the sheer amount of work and activities to prepare which is not difficult to do, and to ignore what's going on around me or in me.. Sometimes not facing up to problems seems like an easier way before i get fed up of dealing with the same problems over and over again.

I'm quite un-excited about tomorrow's zoo trip because of the turnout. I don't think i can take anymore "I don't think i can come because........"

2007-08-20T16:02:00.000+08:00

After about 15 mins on my readings on servant leadership for my Final Year Project. It suddenly dawn on me whether it is actually something good for companies to adopt this kind of leadership. This is the very kind of leadership that Jesus was talking about in the bible. A leader has to serve first.

I read this in my readings ".... sees no reason why a spirital rebirth couldn't or shouldn't happen in the workplace as easily as in a chruch. It is, after all, where most people spend most of their time" and i was stuck there.. as i wondered whether this new, increasingly popular concept of servant leadership is a deceptive tool of the devil. With workplace now changed to a place where it aims to fulfill employees spiritual desires, wouldn't people be more attracted to go to work? Wouldn't this harm families even more, as these people now WANT to go to work? Wouldn't this hurt the churches as Jesus is not longer needed since spiritual fulfillment can be found in some other place?

Adoi.. i'm like currently quite confused..

2007-08-18T02:56:00.000+08:00

Pastor always says "Don't think people don't know what you're doing, they know, they just keep quiet" and its true. Because thats what i did today. I was perfectly aware of my surroundings and what they were talking behind my backs (literally), i just chose to pretend that I heard and saw nothing because it was better that way, than be forced to be in a situation which I don't know how to handle and sin in the process of handling it wrongly.

I know I'm not suppose to judge, and i can't help but feel a barrier start to form, It was just an unneccessary comment that would hurt others.. So why say it in the first place?

On another note, I had my first official negotiation today in a negotiation class with a classmate who is quite erm.. scary.. because he is here on an exchange program and usually these people are more vocal and he has been almost halfway around the world and in his 4th year of uni and he's only 19! ( i guess he didn't serve NS)

Anyway, i was paired up with him! And I don't like to negotiate, i hate to bargain! The furthest i went in bargaining was to ask for $25 when it was $26 and when i got it, i was elated! Apparantly we are being taught that negotiating is not bargaining but that would be explained further in my lectures to come. So i found myself in a very awkward position today being faced with this task and with a videocam aimed at me, and my lecturers watching me do what i'm suppose to do (not all the time, but its bad enough).

Although technically speaking, we're not suppose to find ourselves in position where we are to haggle about prices (aka bargaining), but I keep finding myself exactly in that tight spot! With me having to compromise (which i always do) and with the other party not compromising! bahhh So in the end, we settled the deal for $35K for someone's salary, and i thought i did a good job (i was the one offering the job), when i realized at the end of the negotiation, that that someone was willing to work for free!!!!!!!! Then..... i felt like a loser... Until my lecturer affirm that i did quite a good job because there are other things to consider than just a low salary.

So we must see the good in every situation we're in.. so.. lets see..
1) i wouldn't get paired with him again...
2) I'll learn more techniques that would help me be better at this THING.. and i might eventually become a very very very good negotiator! muahaahahhaha

I wonder how Pastor can have Word to preach on Wed night, Fri overnight/corporate prayer, Indian/Filipino fellowship, Sunday Service and Morning devotions in the office every week! Plus, the preaching that he does overseas. Plus write books, write magazine, write Word for the week.. Where he get all these things to write!!?! ok i know.. God.. but i'm just amazed! And I'm struggling with that one cell group Word that I'm suppose to come up 3 times a month.. Aiyo..

Right.... there was this cockroach that just appeared out of nowhere and was scurrying across my table just next to my arm! Thank God it was a nymph, if not I wouldn't be here typing anymore. It chose to rest in the middle of my cell group book, and it'll be so easy to kill it by just closing the book. But i was quite reluctant to use a book that contains a cockcroach corpse.. So i used powerful-spray Shieldtox! And it was blown away.. So i have no idea where it is now..

2007-08-08T01:17:00.000+08:00

you know.. i like and i don't like holidays.. I'm free to do whatever i want, whenever i want. I get enough sleep and I can go home late everyday...

BUT...

I sleep till 11+ everyday and its getting worse as the days past, i only go to bed earliest 1am. And i wake up still tired.. its the sian, i'm-sleeping-too-much tired.. And my QT is not priority because i have so much time to play with i don't need to prioritise.. I can't really sleep well. I can sleep, but i dream alot, which i can't remember by the time i wake up. so they are useless dreams which steals away my deep sleep. And.. i watch TV! According to Ruth's lecturer or speaker at her grad day... i'm not a successful person anymore..

I just need my discipline in sleeping early and waking up early and doing QT back.. with is really hard to sustain... bahhhh it's already 1.21am... i'm glad i'm going back to school tomorrow..

2007-08-08T00:30:00.000+08:00

i witnessed an accident!!!!

well... kind of.. i just knew there was an accident and was at the scene, seeing the fireman doing their job and the policeman busy asking people to go away politely. I think they probably said it about 100 times, nobody wanted to go away.. but i didn't see the person being knocked down... I just heard the "PORRRRRRRRRRRR" *train horning* and then there was silence.. then the station people came rushing up and then the firemen and police.. then the annoucement that train service is going to be delayed for 60 mins! then the cry of anguish from the remaining passengers, then the station became half empty.. and until now, i don't know what happen.. so to those who know what happened in tampines mrt station, about 6.30pm, on August 7, 2007 please tell me..

I boarded the next avaliable train out of the station.. For once, i went into the train during peak hour, with so many people still in the station, yet nobody was fighting to get a seat, in fact nobody wanted to get on the train.. so i casually strolled to a corner seat and sat there...

I prayed... but it felt very weird. Its like i couldn't believe what just happened.. in fact i don't really know what happen.. I still don't know..

2007-07-29T23:14:00.000+08:00

cycling is tiring!!

To make up for the cancellation of the pulau ubin trip yesterday, i went out with gerry and his cell group. We were suppose to be kayaking, but apparently now waters are unsafe and we need a license to kayak.. So we ended up cycling. I was quite skeptical about the fun-ness of cycling before we rented the bike, but i had fun! I had a lot of fun actually.

We were in Pasir Ris Park, which has this very famous spider web which i manage to conquer! wahahha I'm super duper proud of myself, but of course it can't be done without gerry who pointed to me where to step and how to get up to the top, by the time i made my way down, my arms were trembling. Sooooo tiring!

It's been really long since i had so much laughter and screaming in a day. Growing up has taken its toll, gerry mentioned that i was very hyper when i was younger (frankly speaking, i don't remember myself ever being hyper) but since that's what he say so i'll just take it as that, but he said that i mellowed down alot ever since i grew up. Its somewhat true i guess, i don't recall myself saying that i was very tired when i was in secondary school, even though i woke up very early and sleep relatively late.

aiyo!! i'm so happy today! Okay, if you're looking at me, you wouldn't think i was happy because i'm typing away at the com with a stoned face. But i really am, i enjoyed myself so much. While i was cycling, nothing was on my mind except.. ok.. i need to balance this bicycle properly and the wind feels sooooo good! And we did so many nonsense stuff, you should ask gerry for the videos and photos.

Looking out towards the sea reminded me of God's vastness and how amazing His creation is.. I guess that's why i love going to the beach, seems like its easier to connect with God there.. or maybe its because its just something different from our usual busy, misy, disy lifestyle..

2007-07-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

I'm going for my first baptism class tomorrow :) but I've already gotten my baptism name as given by Pastor and of course according to my desire. It's more than just a name...

2007-07-16T21:09:00.001+08:00

I hate making mistakes at work. Becuse you're accountable to your boss who's accountable to her boss who is accountable to her boss who is accountable to her boss. So basically, if you don't do something properly, you're causing your superior to get scolded and when it comes back down again, you're going to get really badly scolded. It at these times when I feel really like a failure, when I can't get things done the way they want it, when i make mistakes after mistakes, when they finally lose their patience and go "tsk... pass it back to me, i'll do it myself" At that point of time, I feel like digging a really really big hole and bury myself in but since i can't go that, i constantly look at the clock and pray for 5.30 to come really fast.

I think I'm just angry and disappointed in myself. It's not at the ministry, not at work, not at other people, not at God.

I talked to a fellow attachee today during lunch. We talked about attachment truthfully; not the nice picture you paint when managers ask you how's attachment, and not the one word answer you give when friends ask you how is it.. It's a very confusing feeling which is why I'm happy and unhappy during attachment. Anyway she messaged me later to thank me for listening. I love it everytime somebody says that to me.

2007-07-14T03:21:00.000+08:00

It's always a wonder when you realise that God hears every whisper, every un-uttered prayer, ever secret desire, every small effort to obey. When i look at the spot where i always go to pray, i finally realize that many battles were won there. I'm only human and most of the mornings, i go there after bathing, sinking unto the cushions and say "God.. i don't know what to say" and some times i find myself trying to convince myself that I'm praying when I'm actually dozing off. But God is so gracious and He choose to overlook the fact that I can't pray 2 hours and in the little time that i pray, i still doze off. And He choose to honour that prayer.

It's not because I know how to pray, its not even because i prayed, its because it is His will to begin with. I'm working with His seed that He gave me.

"If you keep quiet at a time like this, delieverance for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. What's more, who can say but that you have be elevated to the palace for just such a time as time?" Esther 4: 14

2007-07-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

Irritability is on its high these days as I go home drained out from work and any other activity after that, only to get a few hours of sleep before i drag myself up again for another draining day of work. I was so frustrated with my dad today when he kept asking why i didn't know / have my Sing Pass. I wasn't even home for 5 minutes before that happened. But when the frustration subsides, i find myself regretting, hoping to turn back time.

My cell group and I were suppose to make an effort to show acts of love this week. And for me, i tried to make an effort to be patient and not irritated (esp with this particular colleague) and people around me... not very successful as you can see.

On a totally different note, I was walking through borders today during my lunch hour and in that short 10-15 mins, i already spotted 3 books which disregarded the need for religion (or Christianity in general). And all these books were either on huge displays or on sale and with attractive, look-at-me titles. It left me feeling really helpless.

I'm typing with my eyes half closed and my body screaming that it needs rest. Why is work so tiring? Or is it just me?

..... I shall leave the thinking to another day.

2007-07-05T16:40:00.001+08:00

One shouldn't be too quick to pass judgement.

I had a really bad impression of this lady who was working in the hotel, because she came to me one day and demanded for a uniform change and was quite bad in her attitude. But after my orientation together with her, i realized she's quite a nice person. So that made me really guilty about judging her with just one incident. This is actually very common in the HR department since most of the complains, trouble cases, confidential issues, backbiting, fingerpointing, etc etc etc happens in our department. It forms quite a lot of bad impressions about people before I even meet or relate to them in person. And honestly, it is really difficult to stop myself from forming judgements about people the moment you hear something about them. Even though i tell myself, "Ruoling, haven't you learnt your lesson, you cannot think that way about them! Remember what the bible says!!!" Still, time and time again, i catch myself making such judgements and sharing them to others. Not something i'm proud of, but definitely something I'm working on.

I need to get started on my PA report soon. It's dued on August 1 but my PA only ends on July 27. To sidetrack: Have you notice how i write my dates?! It's written with the month first, then the date, that's the format Four Seasons use - the American way.

I'll miss Chef Special this month! :( Once every month, our staff canteen will put up a feast for all employees on our payday, as a reward for the employees. And the food is good!! The chefs from the hotel restaurants will cook some of the dishes that we have that day and we'll have a great spread of food. Last month, it was the Amercian theme, so we had pasta, and clam chowder, and fish fillet, and shrimp salad, and brownie and ice cream, and seafood rice with oyster, and more which i can't remember. You can see why we look forward to Chef Special. But! my attachment dates only allow me to eat ONE chef special even though it is being extended! Bahhh..

Talking about food. My colleagues thinks that the only thing that interest me is food. Their basis for saying that is that the only time I'll join into a conversation is if its about food. That's because I'm so conscious about not gossiping. So now, i'm known as one who's only interested in food! So not true..

My first time leading worship this sat since PA started. Excited and nervous. Reminds me of when i first started leading worship. Which wasn't that long ago.. Ok, then again, maybe its quite long ago.

2007-06-24T00:28:00.000+08:00

Forensic Science, Photography or Sound?

I HAVE to take a science elective module this sem, and I'm at a total loss as to what to take from the list that is given to me. There's nothing interest me, and its ironic because i come from a science background. I took triple science and double maths and did horribly badly for literature and history although i like it. It explains why I'm in business. It's neither truly science nor truly arts. I love my course.

I would really like to post up pictures of our activity that we did in cell group today, but its an unearthly time to do it. So it shall only be done.. erm... lalalalalala.... i don't know when I'll get to post an entry again.

My log book for my attachment is sitting untouched for 3 weeks. Can you believe it? Only 4 more weeks to the end of attachment! It seems like I've only just started. But I guess its just the right time, I don't dread going to work, and i do enjoy my work sometimes, but its getting a little boring. I don't know how Charlene went through her 6 months attachment and how my parents worked for 20+ years and are still working.

AHHH i just remembered! I need to write a report after my attachment!

I know this is going to be an abrupt end for a blog entry, but i don't care. I need to sleep now!

2007-06-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

and once again.. i end up just staring at the screen.. emptiness, loss and dissatisfaction.. wishing everything was like it was the other day..

2007-06-14T21:50:00.000+08:00

And i thought i would never have to do this ever since i left secondary school.. i had a fire evacuation drill today in four seasons. ok for those of you who don't know.. i am now a trainee in Four Seasons for the next 2 months or so, and so entitled to 15% discount in Genki Sushi. Anyway back to the fire evacuation, it was super amusing la! we were all in our uniforms (at least the operations side like the restuarants, housekeeping, laundry, etc) and we were lining up according to our departments. We were like small kids lining up waiting for the teachers to dismiss us back to our classes. After the drill, we had to go to the ballroom (in school terms, the hall) for a briefing on the drill. heh.. so amusing..

i love diana can! although she'll never read this.. I called her today to go home together with her cos i just needed to talk to somebody la... and she tahan-ed all my blabbering.. eh eh eh.. 1 month worth of blabbering is no joke k.. i felt so much better after that! woahh thank God! Will pass through another day of work. It is well!

I'm losing myself... again.. choosing the narrow way once more. Choosing to give it up for God.. and realizing that God does it because the only person it'll benefit from all these.. its myself.

So hold me now, I'm finally losing me

2007-04-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

sometimes i notice a little change somewhere. It catches me off guard. And i think it's scary... it comes subtly.. and it creates a little discomfort and uneasiness at the beginning. But there'll be a time where you're not changing with change, and it overwhelms you. And it leaves you sitting open-eyed, mouth gaping, arms limp, wondering what in the world happened.

That's why I need an Anchor. At least i know that there's Someone in this world that does not change, that's firm, that's everlasting.. A place of refuge, a place to hide..

one last paper.. and zero motivation to study..

BIG FAT A!!!!!!!!

2007-04-19T21:45:00.000+08:00

HAHAHHA A!! A!!!!! I GOT AN A!!!

I got back my report for HR research today and we got an A!! I was smiling nonstop! Thank God!! For the past few times, i've been upset whenever i collected results for something whether is it for quiz or for reports. Finally!!! we even got an A+ for presentation! WAHHH!!

i just so happy!!!!!!!!!!! these exclaimation marks cannot express how happy i feel can!!

Thank You Lord

hua3 yu3 cool!

2007-04-15T00:44:00.000+08:00

i like writing chinese characters.. i think its a very cool thing to be able to know the strokes and form like one whole string of chinese words to form a sentence. And the sense of satisfaction when i'm able to squeeze words with many pi hua into the small box in our exercise book. Or look at my zuo wen and go "wah this whole page is filled with chinese words *beam*". And it has been more than once when i tried to write out my thoughts in chinese. But i always end up just writing the first thing that comes to my mind.. 'wo' and i stop there because i don't know how else to continue. My thoughts are english educated.

I think i just don't know how to read and write many chinese words. I can understand it perfectly well. i watch so many chinese and taiwanese shows! And i speak it not badly... at least understandably..

There are some things that you don't know whether to grit your teeth, muster all your remaining strength and just chiong through it, or say, "ok.. enough of torturing myself!" and let it go.. i told sai today that, sometimes God does stuff that we don't understand and we don't have to understand everything to trust and go on with God.. Most of the time, its hard to live by what we say..

2007-04-14T00:17:00.000+08:00

i think i've gone totally nuts.. crazy.. bonkers.. siao..
I tore and threw away my diaries today... As i was tearing up the pages, the only thing in my mind was, i think i'm totally crazy.. I was totally bent on destroying it, but when i was going to do it, i hestitated..but i still did it..

anyway.........
i'm BETTER! yay! i think i still have a slight fever, but i'm basically ok.. i know it sounds weird but I'm so happy because i can finally get back to studying.. ya.. see told you i'm crazy.. i think the fever did it.. exams are a few days away and the weekend is totally not made for studying, so technically i only have 1 day more to study before my first paper on tues.

Wahhaha i look back on all the notes i've been taking after reading my tb and i'm filled with a sense of satisfaction! but my tb is REALLY clean because since i'm taking notes, i don't have to do anything to my tb! not even highlight.. it looks so bare and... erm.. in need of some highlighting.. so ana and mengchoo, if you need HR tb... ASK ME!! its clean, new and you only need to pay me like.. erm.. $5 for it.. eh eh eh i paid like $30+ eh..

i brought my sis down to the see the doc (ya.. she's sick too) and I totally didn't want to but I comforted myself with the fact that maybe through it, I'll manage to get a doctor bf! but the only thing the doc said to me was "mmmm" because i was telling him what's wrong with my sis, and me... and he didn't even offer to take my temperature even after i told him i was sick!!! aiyo! i was really shocked eh!! i thought doctors were suppose to be helpful people... ok that was a stereotype.. anyway, he's old enough to be like... erm.. stephen's father..

ok... i've ran out of things to say, but i don't know how to end it.. so i shall end the post by commenting about how i don't know how to end it....

erm.. right..

2007-04-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

i'm sick... like 38.1 degrees fever, body ache, runny nose, cough-y sick...

It's times like this when i wish God was tangible. To cradle me in His arms, soothe the ache in my body, lean against His chest and rest.. I wish my sofa was made of cotton!

2007-04-08T15:50:00.000+08:00

have we miss the point somewhere along the way? When has church been about us anyway? When has Christianity been about not landing up in hell? When has repentance been because of fear? Why are we fighting among ourselves? Have we forgotten that the devil comes in the form of disunity? The world look at the church and laughs.... we're like them, or even worse, because we think we're better. Jesus is demeaned into a routine, a burden, He even has to persuade us to move on with Him, to serve Him, to do His will. When was it ever like that? Aren't we suppose to be the one chasing God, making ourselves always avaliable, always ready for His use.

Unbelievers sit upon the throne of their hearts and claim that there's no God. Believers still sit upon the throne of their hearts, put a chair next to us for Jesus, and say "you take over when i can't ok?" Forgive us Lord.

I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, i will vomit you out of My mouth. Because you say, 'I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing' - and do not know that you are wetched, miserable, poor, blind and naked - i counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. As many as I love, i rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. Rev 3: 15-19

My heart's cry

2007-04-07T11:26:00.000+08:00

I wanna sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hands
Lay back against You and breathe
Feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep
It's more than i can stand
I melt in Your peace
It's overwhelming

2007-03-29T13:37:00.000+08:00

It’s raining.

I look out of the window. And a wave of emotions overwhelmed me. In a way, I feel a sense of security and peace because the rain is outside. Nothing touches me, I’m dry and comfortable. But there was this tinge of sadness and lonliness. Rainy days are particularly gloomy and glumly and sad.. unless of course like the 9 o'clock show I’m dancing in the rain with my partner. Then it’s a different matter altogether.

I’m filled with an unexplicable admiration and respect for my Professor. She’s a woman. IN case you think I’m hua chi. There’s just something about her. Right from the first day of class, I decided that I liked her. It’s a good thing, it motivates me to wake up at 5.50 every tue to go travel to school to go for her lessons and make me listen to her when she talks. I don’t mind that subject and I think its amazing that I'm feeling that way. because I hate stats. I never went for my stats tutorial in year 1 and did really badly for it. And her subject has everything to do with stats. Stats is a requisite module for her class. -_-''' I love God. Why did I suddenly talk about God? Because God made my professor and put me in her class. Yay!

MY sis has this superlicious, duperlicious, wonderfulious hamper from ana hO! I’m like SUPER jealous! There’re sooooooo many things inside. Chocolates, biscuits, sparkling grape juice, teddy bear, card… EVERYTHING! Esp chocs. I’m not a huge fan of chocs but it’s the wah wah wah feeling when you see what’s instead that make you want to rip of the card that’s titled “ruoying” and open the hamper. Temptation at its highest.

I was telling my sister what I want for my birthday (I know its weird that I’m talking about my birthday when her birthday’s coming but I’m turning 21 eh!) anyway, I said that I don’t want a chalet / bbq or anything big in nature cos I don’t want to organize anything. So I told my sister, I think I just want to ask a few friends come to our house stay overnight. Buy like a few tubs of ice cream, rent like a lot of dvds. Scoop out the ice cream in ball form. Put it in a HUGE bowl. Everybody take a spoon, and eat ice cream (and potato chips) while we watch dvds. HAHAHAHAHA

pfft… my birthday is during my attachment period..

2007-03-23T15:06:00.000+08:00

I'm officially known as ms talkative to my uni friends. And they refuse to believe that the results of my personality tests that we did in class shows that i'm an introvert. Hahaha.. this is what you call, rising up to the occasion.. I'm enjoying school, for the first time in 3 years. yay! thank God.

A new beginning - its what i need
i don't know if i'm ready for it.

2007-03-22T21:18:00.001+08:00

He's holding my hand every step of the way.

Step by step He'll lead me.

2007-03-20T00:10:00.000+08:00

The victory has already been won
but the battle still have to be fought.

* erm ya.. i change my blog skin.. so don't worry, you're at the right blog.

2007-03-11T00:09:00.000+08:00

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold on You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord i put my trust in You

I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which i am saved
Capture me with grace

I will follow You
This world has nothing for me.

-Rescue

2007-01-24T17:42:00.000+08:00

On wednesday, my lessons start at 830 and ends at 730. But thank God that the most demanding lessons are in the morning till 430. BUt from 430 - 730 i'm like totally drained. And i can only concentrated after I sleep in the lecture for about 15 mins then I'm ready to go again paying attention in class. Which is now! But i'm typing away. Blogging... hahaha

ok right... not very funny if you're my lecturer or my parents!

I need Thee every hour... Esp now..

2007-01-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

Changes can be stifling at times. And i find myself trying so hard to accept and support these changes and work within my boudaries.

I sat in front of her today and found myself lost for words to say. I love her but sometimes i can't help feeling frustrated. I don't know how to tell her that sometimes she is the one that creates/magnifies the problem, causing hurt to herself. But i cannot bring myself to say it. I try to explain that i do understand what she's going through. It used to confused me as to why Jesus came to the sick man and ask him "What do you want?" Isn't it obvious? A sick man wants to be healed. But yet, some sick ones prefer to be sick, because sickness helps push away responsibilties that every healthy person is required to take up. And if a sick man wants to be sick, even God wouldn't go against his free will to heal him even though He wants to.

My parents have started to express concern over my tight schedule. With my mom coming back for good, it'll be another challenge to convince them that I'm coping well. Not that I'm good or able, but that God's grace is there to cover me. I'm looking forward to another time my mom would ask me a question she asked me after i graduated from JC. "What is it that caused the huge jump in grades in your mid year to your prelims?"

I'll miss my cell group. I know deep down inside they love me and cherish me. When they know I'm busy, they'll try to accomdate me. And when I just took the cell group up, they supported me. They were those who were with me ever since i-dunno-when. We had our own share of problems and squabbles and irrtation, but all in all, we grew as a cell and identified with each other in the ministry. Their unique characteristics, our famous "How's your week?" ice breaker, birthday celebrations, cell dinners, cell outings, reminise zhonghua moments.........
i wish today was conducted differently, but then again who am i to blame? I was the one that set the programs for today's cell group. It's okay..... quoting from wilfred "It's my learning curve" I'll do it better next time.

There's always lessons to learn. Especially in seperations.

2007-01-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

And when all logic fail, the lesson to be learnt is one called - Trust.

Aiyo..i suddenly thought about Lichu. Cos she seemed so deep in thought and during service today. And i really wanted to go over and squeeze her and give her a hug! But i was sick and i don't think she needed flu viruses..

First week of school's over. That's only 12 more weeks before exams come. And while i couldn't wait for it to start during the december holidays, I'm kinda dreading school now. Because of the waking up early in the morning!! But i know i shouldn't complain because the earliest i wake up for school is 7am and only for 3 times a week. And i heard from clovis today that he wakes up at 4.45 everyday! =X

Generally school's still good. I just spent $147 on text books! its scary because you know that you're only using these books for 3 months. So i'm determined to make my money's worth this time. No more last minute cramming!! Looking forward to an exciting, joyful, hard-core mugging sem!

Cast me not away from Thy presence
Take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Thank You for patience and faithfulness
Who can compare to You.

2007-01-05T01:40:00.000+08:00

as peiying calls it.. i'm having MIXED feelings.. but... that'll be another post for another time..

Today was a good day! It's been quite long since everything in a day went by really smoothly, and even if there were hipcups, they stayed as hipcups. Enjoyed myself so much during cell group and supper with pearle, u5 and ali. I love them! I started my first day of work today and i was SO tired, but the fatigue, didn't overwhelmed me nor dampened my mood for the events in the evening. I don't know how to start describing today, or why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, but all i knew was that went i reached home and talked about the happenings of today to Daddy, all i could respond was.. "Thank You"

School's starting soon, and so is attachment, and so is fyp... I'm anxious to know what elective modules I'll get eh.. something messed up during the registration for subjects, and now all I can depend on is God to make everything right again...

All things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. - Rom 8:28.

2007-01-02T14:13:00.000+08:00

2007 has come and 2006 has passed (obviously)

It seems like burdens from 2006 has subtly crossed over to 2007, cos life don't just abruptly stop at 2006 and miraclously comes to a new start in 2007. Chapters in a book must also be linked to each other. The only difference is that i started this chapter with God. And although past burdens are still there, i know God is helping me relieve those burdens. I know He's helping me, i can see His fingerprints.

Doesn't really make this race easier to run... but He's holding my hands.. He cries with me, He rejoices with me, He carries me.

2006-12-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

i'm waiting for a phone call...

I think my emotions are connected to my stomach.. It acts up everytime i feel a sudden change of emotions and i can't express it in any way..

It's the time of the year where we start planning stuff, re-thinking our purpose and goal, and re-setting our visions and goals. And somehow as you keep thinking, you'll eventually hit a wall and end up with the very same question you started with "Actually why am i doing this?"

Thinking too much.. wayyyyyy too much

And I'm still waiting for the phone call.... which i dunno if it'll ever come.. waiting needs a lot of patience... It's a form of trust...

And ana hasn't been blogging for the longest time..

Yes i know it's random..

2006-12-27T00:25:00.000+08:00

in a weird sense. I identify a lot with chu's last entry. I dunno how to start to explain what I'm feeling inside. Kinda empty, yet filled with emotions that i can't identify. I hate to end the year like this. Yet i dunno how to start cleaning up the mess in me. because I dunno how this mess came to be in the first place.

Loving seems difficult, trusting too..

It just speaks of my desperate need for You. Desperate is the word..

2006-12-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

i couldn't help choking up when i was giving thanks to God, recalling the wonderful, undeserving things that He has blessed me with. He didn't have to do it, but He does. He is a faithful God.

2006-12-15T00:03:00.000+08:00

I never thought i'll be so attached to a job.

I can't bear to leave my job even though it means
juggling more things when school starts,
standing for 10 hours straight,
being super drained after i go back from work,
not being able to go out with friends,
dealing with disgusting customers,
dragging myself outta bed early in the morning,
facing the not-too-good aspects of bosses,
doing the not-too-nice stuff in the workplace
and many more i guess

But as i walked around the shop yesterday (which happens to be my last day of work for the month and maybe for the rest of my life) i can't help but feel sad that when i step in the next time, it'll be in the status of a customer. No doubt the shop has changed and commercialised and has not been as homely as before, but there'll be rare moments when i experience the same kind of familiarity, closeness and satisfaction as when i worked in the old shop. That bond makes me want to continue to be associated with the job.

I love the people in the shop, especially those i've seen since the old shop. We meet each other in the new shop and talk like long lost friends and the cosy feelings get rekindled. It's not just a job anymore i guess.

On another topic:

There are some things which you just can't control yet hold it so close to you, and you gotta remind yourself time and time again that God is the one who gives and takes away. And when you think you've gotten a firm grip on it, it slips away and proves once again the sovereignty (and jealously) of our Lord.

Be my all in all

On yet another topic:

i haven't been blogging or writing my diary for the LONGEST time. And i guess for that reason, I don't know what i'm really feeling or if anything is bothering me or basically go deeper. Cos i don't write, i don't trigger off any thoughts too. i can't just think like that, my thoughts will go in circles, i need to write to develop my thoughts. So for the last few months or so, I just deal with the day to day things and things that are pressing.

After identifying with Apostle Paul's famous quote: "One thing i do, forgetting that which is behind and pressing on towards the upward calling I have in Christ" i question the purpose in keeping a diary. First: i face the constant scary-ness that somebody will get hold of it and read it. Second: i don't know what to do with it after i die (i know like i think too far right) Third it actually requires discipline to keep a diary. On the other hand, since i write to think (sounds weird but true) i also don't think about stuff between me and God. Like where I am in my relationship with God, and in entering a new year with God.

Maybe it IS time to start writing.. or rather to start thinking..

2006-11-30T00:08:00.000+08:00

ana: ya.. work starting next week.. so actually i only have 2 more days to rot.. but i'm not really rotting la.. found things to do! =)

Bee: hahah my sis FINISH WATCHING IT ON HER OWN!! ok.. i'm not as ji dong as i sound. Cos i watched it on tv redi.. a little bit here and there la..

Ca: eh eh.. wat random.. ok la... a little random.. ok la.. quite random... ok la ok la.. random la.. (aiyo!! really very random eh!)

Heh.. my holidays haven't been as unfulfilling as i thought it would be. After enduring 9 months of holidays...no amount of holidays can be worse... except maybe the span of time after i've graduated and still looking for a job.

i wanted to blog more... but... i kept typing and erasing typing and erasing.. until.. i dunno what to type anymore. I wanted to comment about ca's and ana's blog about love and best friends which was what i was thinking about on the bus when i was on the way home just now. But... like i said I was typing and erasing typing and erasing.. I dunno what to say... except that love is a choice and usually we demand more from closer friends and forget to know that they're human too.. They don't have supersonic eyes to read our minds nor can they understand us totally. I like what Pastor say.. "Always give the benefit of doubt".

I was reading the biography of Kathryn Kuhlman, and she has this principle in life whom she got from another woman, sometimes its best to 'pretend' that it never happened. I was doubtful when i read about it until i remembered Phil 3:14. Then maybe its best that we left the past to the past and move on. COs God is God of the now. Well then of course if taken to the extreme, then it isn't very healthy cos you'll forget your abc..

Thats why sometimes i get quite skeptical when people start attributing their current personalities to past experiences. i mean its true... but there's always a time to move on.. There's always a time to say "I want to recover, i want to move on." and until that decision is made, nothing much can change.. Everything's a choice.. Especially love..

OKay.. wahhahahah.. i started from love and digress and manage to link it back to love again.. *proud*

2006-11-24T01:54:00.000+08:00

I think humans are hard to please. When exams are here, its sian cos duh.. its exams. And when holidays are here. Its STILL sian!! and i know its not just me.. cos mary also feels the same way. A sudden influx of time.... and i dunno what to do about it! I spend the whole of today (after my morning paper) roaming around aimlessly, not knowing what to do and not daring to complain that I'm sian cos every one of my neighbours are still burying their heads in their books. So i just locked myself in my room, played computer games, watch tv and sleep. bleh.. not my idea of a nice relaxing day actually.. It's having to adapt to a sudden slow down in events. arghh

But still.. thank God exams are over... I'm kinda looking forward to school starting.. (ok la.. not immediately but soon) I realize that alot of people in church will only be starting school after i finish another semester of studies and my attachment! Wahhh thats like another.... 9 months! I had my 9 months of break.. It was shuang the 1 month, ok the next 3 months, sian the next next 3 months and depressing the next next next 2 months... HAHA ok.. i can't believe i just typed that.. well.. everybody's different..

Now.. to find things to occupy myself.. Idle mind is a devil's playground.. noooooooooooo i don't want....

2006-11-24T01:44:00.000+08:00

Its no longer I that liveth, but Christ that liveth in me.

It's no longer I in control... God, teach me how to put You in charge...

2006-11-22T12:05:00.000+08:00

I'm amused..

Cos my paper just ended at 1130, after everything was collected, we left at about 1140, and i reach hall at 1150! and at 12.00 i'm blogging!! wahhaha thats cos my paper was conducted in hall 10 (er. i live in hall 9).

Usually after a paper, i become extremely anti-social. I tend to run away from my exam hall as fast as my little legs can carry me (well. they're not exactly little but i just feel like writing it). Because negative confession, idle words are so easy to fall into especially when people ask you "How? so difficult right? ksd;vjkanksjhrlkgjnajkfldshflkasgb"

well.. they don't say that, but usually when they start talking about the paper, my mind shuts down because i don't wanna discuss about the paper neither do i want to get influence with what they are saying. But of course as trained social creatures, i do smile.... and say "ok la.. over already, don't think about it le" It's true! It's really what i think too..

Another 24 hours to freedom! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. but for now.. its back to the books...

Oh ya.. if you haven't already know.. I bring good news to Charisma by declaring the return of

CHAN ZILIN!!!

She reached Singapore yesterday at 11.20pm and was welcomed lovingly by her mother and brother. Later, she went home in her mom's car. She will be attending her first youth service after her return, in Jalan Pemimpin on Saturday, 25 Nov. (i think)

2006-11-20T02:06:00.000+08:00

10 things I realised today...

1. Abalone is actually edible!! No la.. its quite nice... as compared to my impression of its taste. I know i sounds like i'm some pampered kid where abalone is as common as maggie mee (EH! rhymes!) But no... i just don't like the rubbery feeling...
2. Hall's pantry is DISGUSTING! Actually i know that long ago... but today was exceptionally disgusting, so i just have to write it down
3. When its late.. like 12+ and you're making your way back, people around you are usually guys..
4. My exams actually ends on thurs not wed!!!
5. 23rd nov (which is the last day of my exams) is actually a thurs.. not a wed..
6. I can't go home on wed... =(
7. I didn't have soap to bathe when i reached hall. So i had to borrow soap from my neighbour.
8. I need to cut hair.
9. I don't have money to cut hair
10. There's only 9 things that i realized today..
11. I contridict myself, cos by saying that, there are 10 things that i realized today..
12. I contridict myself again, cos by saying that, I realized 11 things today..
13. I contridict myself again! Cos by saying that, i realized 12 things today..
14. If i continue, I'll never ever finish writing this entry.

I'm bored.

2006-11-15T20:31:00.000+08:00

AAAHHHHHHH
(yes.. i just need to scream..)

Another 8 more days to attribute my bad mood-ness to exams..

It's the sian-ness of studying. And the no-freedom of exams. And the nagging feeling that there's more to be done.

but its the satisfaction of seeing studied textbooks with highligted stuff and scribbled notes at the side.. its the anticipation of exams being over. Its the opportunity to let God do something this exam.

but.. right now.. it's just sian... i wonder if its solely because of studies....

2006-10-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

I just realise one thing....

I haven't blogged since september eh! its like already end of oct.. haha ok. i bet at this point in time, everybody who reads this will go *roll eyes* "now then you know.." i know i haven't been blogging for very long but i didn't realize it was THIS long.

Ok... i have one good news and one bad news...

Good news is I've finally blogged..
Bad news is that after blogging about how long I haven't blog, I don't know what else to blog...

*after stoning for 5 mins*
............. I give up! blogging requires skill which is currently absent in me..

2006-09-11T00:22:00.000+08:00

Before i actually slept last night, this thought came into my mind that reward and blessing comes with an act of obedience. God graciously gave me a breakthrough sat night during evangelistic healing.

And today's word was that a simple act of obedience open doors to blessing and rewards. Not just coincidence when thurs followup we were ALSO talking about obedience. When Rev Margaret Falls acted in obedience to tell her family that she was healed, her family didn't react by falling to their knees and recieving Christ, in fact they just shrug her off, but still she recieved that healing. So in the same way, i acted in obedience and didn't recieve (yet) the victory that I was looking for (I'm still fighting) but still God graciously poured out blessings and gave me a breakthrough in another area.

A small breakthrough, but it showed me that I'm like on the right track.

Never despise that simple act of obedience. For obedience is better than sacrifice. What truth.

2006-08-22T00:10:00.000+08:00

I've concluded....

The only difference is whether you're a natural not. I may not naturally have the characteristics to for example be a leader but i can develop it. And its unfair to say that just because I'm not a DC (character of a good leader), then I don't make a good leader. Because it just means that I'm not a natural good leader, but i still can be a good leader. Right? Because even as we tell ourselves not to cap our own ability using our character, i think its just as important that we don't cap other people's ability by assessing their character. Esp in a Christian environment where "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

I mean i don't deny that there's always a perference for things. If you want someone to emcee your event and you want the atmosphere to be lively, you choose a "I" cos they'll naturally do a better job then say a "S" or a "C". But its unfair to say that because they're a "S" thats why they cannot be a good emcee. i think the keyword here is "natural".

I am so unwilling to say that i'm no good at something just because my personality says i'm not good at it. i agree with the fact that I don't like to face up to conflict but it doesn't mean that i would not. But then again, if i'm somebody who is choosing, i rather choose someone who would naturally do what i need the person to do than someone who has to take extra effort to achieve the same results.

I might come across that i agree with everybody, someone who has no opinion, someone who just follows, but thats cos I can see and emphasize with both sides of the arguement and i know that in every thing, you need people that would support. I think God made us so much more complicated, to be simply categorised into DISC. We might display the general characteristics, but when it boils down to the individual, we're all unique and different. Beautifully different. Thats why we have the BODY of Christ. not the eye of Christ or the nose of Christ. Cos we're made to complement each other.

*this entry was written cos we were talking about the characteristics of DISC in church today and i was just thinking about it after that. I thought you all might wanna know why i suddenly thought of DISC. I wanted to post it in the forum... but.. i didn't know where to put it. And it'll be read by so many more people. *scared* heh. but i might eventually post it la.. when i see that the activity in the forum is really very little.

2006-08-13T23:07:00.000+08:00

YAY! I was/am quoted by lichu! Thank God! Because I know that post wasn't out of me. So Thank God that Lichu actually quoted from it, because it means that it meant something to her. *big wide grin-y smile*

As i read through Lichu's entry, it reminded me of what happened during intercession on Friday. And never was I so filled with such a great knowledge of God's love for me. It just broke me down to know that God loved me so much. It literally took my breath away.

I know it sounds very storybooky as I write my experience here. But there's really no other way to put it, because His love IS that amazing and breath-taking. It just made me understand

"Nothing you can do, could make Him love you more, and nothing you have done could make Him close the door"

I never quite understood why we could do nothing to make Him love us more. I thought wah. Isn't God quite limited, cos He's unable to love us more. I know its sounds really wrong when you pen it down. This is like the classic example of using human mind to try and comprehend God's ways. But i realise there's no way He could love us more because His love is already boundless, there's no way you can create a greater boundary around boundless.

I got out of intercession feeling very relieved, finally understanding (and believing, not just knowing a fact. I know alot of things but doesn't mean i apply them and live by them.) that I don't have to do anything to make God love me more. I don't have to be a good Christian (seriously), I don't have to pray 10 hours a day and i don't have to do anything. God loves plain boring sim ruoling as much as He loves super duper sim ruoling. The only reason why i choose to do what i should do, is because in response to God's love for me, i am unwilling to hurt Him. So in my actions and my speech and in whatever that i do, i consider His feelings.

I don't know if this is biblically correct. But i just feel that the main thing God wants us to know is how much He loves us. The greatest commandment is to love the Lord our GOd with all our heart, all our soul and all our mind. And only he who has recieved love, can love. So only after recieving God's love, then we can start fulfilling the first and greatest commandment which is to love Him.

Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." Luke 7:47

2006-08-06T01:13:00.000+08:00

I'm back from CAMP! It was really super duper fun!!!! but very tiring.

FOP today. We sang "Our God is an awesome God" And it was like the only familar song that Centre Christian Church sang. (eh!? or is it Christian Centre Church? haiya! i just know its CCC) I was really quite down and all, and was very irritated with myself for feeling down. But at that moment when i sang our God is an awesome God, i felt prompted to praise and to declare that my problem is solved and that God is above all of it. And so I did. I know that is a change! It was also too much of a coincidence that the sermon was also along the line of being an overcomer in Christ.

On my road to victory! Gal 1:10
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

And i hereby announce that I can share the gospel in Chinese. =P Hahaha
God use the foolish to shame the wise, the unskilled to shame the skilled.

2006-07-26T12:26:00.000+08:00

Its difficult trying to juggle between commitment in hall and commitment in church. Of course i know my priorities but its difficult to keep to my priorities especially if it means that people might be unhappy and stuff. But how do you explain to them that your commitment is church and you'll not let anything compromise your commitment standards?

Set your eyes on things above and not on things below..

Easier said than done. This is probably the main reason (rather the only reason) why I'm not looking forward to FOC this year and kinda regret that I chose to be part of it.

I love hall life. I like being a part of hall, with its unity, strong identity and all the friends there. But they also require a kind of commitment that i cannot give. It makes me kinda worried that when FOC and school start whether i could cope with everything's that going on. But even if that happens, i already know which one i would choose to give up.

Reviewing my life last year when i first stepped into hall. I'm ashamed to say that i might have compromise some things in order to be active and to fit into the hall culture. But this year, my stakes are higher. I really don't want anything to affect the relationship that i have with God. It is not about being religious, it is about treasuring a relationship with a Friend.

treas·ure ( P ) Pronunciation Key (trzhr)n.
1. Accumulated or stored wealth in the form of money, jewels, or other valuables.
2. Valuable or precious possessions of any kind.
3. One considered especially precious or valuable.

And just when i'm about to cry.. (hahah no la!) i saw lalang's nick "I'll walk with You wherever You go, through tears and joy, I'll trust in You" It comforts me. Knowing that I'm not alone in this cos lalang also needs that pharse and that God knows what i need.

Onto someting totally unrelated (in content and atmostphere) I KEEP smelling maggi mee goreng flavoured instant noodles eh! It makes me hungry... talk about temptation.

2006-07-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling very sian now. Victor asked me to find something constructive to do. I was thinking of sleeping but its a little too early to be doing that. So i decided that i shall try to blog something constructive. But where blog is concerned, its a little difficult to do it.. But i shall try anyway.

*writer's block* see... i told you it was difficult...

hmm.. maybe i should just go sleep soon. I shall do something constructive tomorrow.

2006-07-17T00:03:00.000+08:00

amazed.

At how much God longs to hear a simple 'i love you' from us. It doesn't make sense to me. Why should He be concerned? In my 7 years with God, from what i can remember, i don't think i ever told God that i loved Him. Because i didn't think that i could love Him. Love is such a big word, it encompassed so many things. (1 Cor 13 say one).

During worship today, I was confronted with a song where all 4 lines of the chorus was... "I love You Lord" How to sing when i didn't think i could sing it and mean it? So.. i didn't sing. As the song went on, i felt God asking me, "Do you love me? Why wouldn't you say that you love Me?" All that filled my mind was just these 2 qns. I don't know what convinced me to eventually sing out the words "I love You Lord" and mean it with all my heart. But as i sang it, something crumbled in me and i broke down. I didn't know why I was crying, but i did know that there was something significant in this whole episode.

On the way to work, I was reading this book by Joyce Meyer and it was talking about loving others. It mentioned that love wasn't just a feeling, it was a choice to want to love. And the more I think of it, I'm more convinced that love can't be just a feeling. I don't think Jesus felt like loving us, cos it meant being crucified. I don't think the Father felt like loving us, cos it meant sacrificing His Son. And when love encompass so many things, i don't think anyone will feel like loving anybody.

And it dawned unto me why it was a breakthrough for me when i uttered "I love You". It didn't mean i had the capacity to love, it didn't mean that i suddenly felt love for Him. To me, it meant that I've chosen to love Him. In my inadequacy, and imperfection, I chose to love Him. I chose to love Him with whatever that ruoling-ly possible.

And i want to love Him.

2006-07-15T01:14:00.000+08:00

I think Peiying's way of updating her blog is really cool... So i'm going to copy the way she did it, heh ok la! i treat you* drink, copyright fee.

*you - as in Peiying only, not everybody that's reading my blog...

ok! UPDATES, or rather, random facts that i feel like telling everybody.
1. I'm still working but lesser days. Only on schedule. They tend to ask me to work last min nowadays.
2. I'm reading alot of books.
3. I'm reading a book on handwritings. But its quite...... bleh. As in i tink its not really worth what i paid. I hope its cos I'm quite tired now so i can't appreciate the book. COS THE BOOK VERY EXPENSIVE! Even with 25% discount.
4. God is really good! Intercession was really good!
5. I'm having quite a hard time doing this updating thing cos I'm so sleepy.
6. I'm playing keyboard and backing up tomorrow. wahhahah like don moen. heh.
7. I'm looking fwd, but not looking fwd to FOC. I know it'll be fun, but i scared it'll affect my spiritual walk. Cos i don't really think i have time for QT, we wake up at like 6+ or earlier and sleep at 3am..
8. I just did a personality test. And surprising fact is that the 3 things that i don't really have (as in my character) is the 3 things that i'm trying to 'stir up in me' currently. But its like duh! cos i can only try and stir up something if i don't have it wat... so i'm actually quite confused.
9. I have a bar of chewing gum. Is it called a bar? ok.. 6 strips of chewing gum that i wanna bring to youth tomorrow. ok later. but i think i'll forget.
10. I'm suppose to reach bishan at 9am. I should sleep.

2006-07-08T00:50:00.000+08:00

God is doing something! All we needa do now... is yearn and yield. I know its quite weird that suddenly after days of not blogging, I suddenly pop up and say this. But there's this excitement bubbling up and this expectancy that God is doing something!

So many things to learn and do.. God lead me step by step along this narrow path to life.

Let us believe God for more. For in the last days, God will pour out His spirit on all the earth.

2006-06-26T22:51:00.000+08:00

=) i'm proud to announce that my dad is proud of me!! bwahahhaha he just haolianed me to my maternal grandma, saying that i can juggle between hall, school and church. Heh, so happy! But i know that its God that gave me the ability to do it. Thank God for His grace. Amazing grace.

Anyway, vic, jonny, bee and me when to send lalang and mingzhu off for mission trip today. And we realized that we were the only people thats were sending church mates off. The only other people that were there were the NTU crusaders and a girl's bf. Wahhaha we're supportive church mates! Not that those that didn't go isn't supportive la.. I mean we represent Charisma ma!

After that we went out. We went to IKEA, cos i had to go there to get blinds for my windows and my dad was going to fetch me from there later. So of course Vic waited for my dad together with me, cos then he don't have to travel all the way back to Tampines by public transport. So we walked around IKEA, and we came to this toilet section. They sell toilet bowls!

I was talking to Vic, then i stopped halfway.
Ruoling: *lift up the lid of a toilet bowl*
Vic: -____-''''''
Immediately after, this small girl about 3 yrs old bounced up to another toilet bowl.
Small Girl: EH! for peeing! *in chinese*
Small Girl: *lift up the lid of the toilet bowl*

Victor: i think i saw someone doing that just a second ago.

Ruoling: -______-'''''

*bawls* why muz that small girl do that immediately after i did it! Oh well.. at least it humored Vic... So embarrassing! But it was really very funny la. Couldn't help laughing. Even if it was laughing at myself.

Talk about embarrassing... Jonny called me yesterday about 8+, imposed as a employee from Changi Airpot. He told me to go down to the airport by 9pm to sign some documents. and I BELIEVE!! I even asked him whether i can go down a little later... I can't believe myself. For believing that its Jonny and for writing this in my blog.

OK.. enuf about embarrassing things that happened to me.

2006-06-23T23:09:00.000+08:00

I'm going back to singapore!!!!! on sunday!!! i can't wait! i'm church-sick.. but i'll miss my mom. She'll still be in Shanghai.

sigh... tomorrow my team is playing, but i'm not leading... =( Can somebody videocam or record the worship and let me listen?? Hrmph... such an important event and I can't be there. *pout*

Anyway... on a lighter note.. I was just thinking,I'm missing Great Singapore's Sale eh, but nvm, things here in Shanghai really very cheap. They dvd is S$1!!!! And the movies are new! Food, Clothes, shoes, bags, accesories all sooooooo cheap! but all not very good quality except food. Some places their food really good eh! We ate steamboat (4 people) for S$18. Where to find in Singapore!

It's time to register for my modules. Dunnnnno what general electives to take. Intially, i thought would be very easy cos I just have to take something that i like. But practically comes in and i don't wan to pull down my GPA because i took some funny module that is difficult to score. And you can't blame anyone for bad electives, because its something that you chose. bleh. every sem i'll read the subject contents until i go nuts and then painstakingly choose one elective to take..

heh, i think the next time i blog, i'll be back in singapore redi. Whee... so happy! Its not that i don't like Shanghai, I just miss Singapore.

2006-06-16T20:31:00.000+08:00

hahah you all have to see this! I got the video ah.. but as usual i can't show it. Nvm...

Yes i know its a little obsence. But it's so cute la!

Step 1: soak it!

Step 2: erm... put it somewhere

Step 3: pour hot water over it

And...... TADA!

CUTE RIGHT! wahhahahha

ok.. To some not so cute stuff...
This is a porcupine.

ok... i dunno if the porcupine is cute. Cos all we could see is this. Looks like durian. We were gathering around looking at it with all the 'eh... porcupine eh!' taking picture and everything until our one day tour guide asked them what were they going to do with it.

They were going to KILL IT! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh siao eh! I thought the scissors and knife were used to protect themself but no! They eat porcupine!

They were intially using the knife but it didn't work cos the skin very hard. I didn't see la. Our tour guide told us. But the porcupine was screaming eh! ok la.. not exactly screaming or crying but it was making some noise that really sounded like it was a child screaming in pain. Serious. i was looking around for a child that was being beaten by the parents or something when the tour guide told us that they were killing the porcupine and the sound actually comes from it. eeeYUCK!

In the end, they used boiling water to kill it. DISGUSTING!

Other then that! i really enjoyed myself there.

To clarify where's the 'there'. Its actually this town which is very old. It was preserved. So everything there is old and it has this river surrounding it. Its like in the movies. Anyway they opened their village to tourist to let them see their lifestyle and stuff ah.

I tried archery!

I hit 3 bull's eye k! (erm.. heh.. with 30 arrows..)

My prize =)

And there was this gun shooting thing....

Before

And!!!!!!!! the aftermath!

WAHHAHHAHHAHHA i should go join the army.. =P

2006-06-15T22:19:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to miss home. fast eh? And thinking about glory encounter and everything. This week seems to pass very slowly, cos the weekdays aren't very different from the weekends. I can't imagine my life without sat and sun service.

Anyway, my specialisation is out. I'm in HR. Frankly, although i committed everything to God and He gave me what i wanted, I was a little scared when i saw where i was posted. The fact that I cannot change my specialisation anymore and it's well.... specialised, I've actually chosen where i wanted to go in life. And i'm basically restricted in my choice of profession. I went to take a look at the subjects that i have to take and erm.... it isn't most interesting.

But I'm going to trust God that this is the path I'm most suitable to enter and just do my best.

I went to yu garden today. I think only mary understands what I'm talking about. Cos i know that you went there! I saw the shop where you wore the old old costume! I was staring at it for the longest time. Anyway we were on the train when my dad pointed out their signs.

HAHHAHA pinching hand?!?!? we couldn't stop laughing eh!

A new perspective of Mr brown. heh.

we're going out early tomorrow. And this is by far a holiday that I've taken the MOST photos ever. I think its the scrapbooking thing. I'm forever looking for things to take picture with.

And i saw this illegal street stall. You know those that have to run when the police comes. Ya.. those. They were selling rabbits and hamsters eh! Aiyoh! they were so cute can! All of them so small, but so were their cages la. I wanted to take a picture, but i scared la. I mean if you were doing something illegal, you wouldn't be too happy if someone took a picture of you right. So i didn't dare.

Ok. i should go sleep. I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow.

2006-06-14T21:46:00.000+08:00

We went to Shanghai's effiel tower last night, its called pearl tower i think. Beeeeauuuutifullll! My parents went there a few times already, but they said it was the nicest yesterday. The sky was SO clear and we could see all the clouds moving. I took video! Which i dunno how to show here, so I'll just show you all when I'm back in Singapore.

NICE RIGHT!? i was on the plane when i saw very nice scenery too. Its like picture la! the sky so black, then the moon so round and bright and there's a bed of clouds below you. VERY NICE. but.. back to shanghai

Pearl tower.

Looks like a normal building right? But. its actually a construction site, it isn't done up yet, they juz put up the lights so that at night it'll be very nice. Smart ah..

Tonight, we went to buy groceries. The first thing that caught my eyes was this!

Lays! Green tea flavour! Hhahah i immediately thought of lalang. I buy back for you k! but it taste like seaweed though...

They have everything in packet form eh!
Packet milk

Packet peanut butter

Packet soya sauce!?!??!

Packet everything! I went around squeezing every packet and trying to figure out what it is. Coz everything's in Chinese. -___-''''

Guess what i found!

Frozen Xiao Long bao!!!! wahhahaha

The worse thing about Shanghai is crossing the road. The rule is to walk fast, keep looking out for cars and you have to give way to them. And you jay walk everytime. At least you feel as if you are jaywalking. IF you think Singapore parking is bad... You should look at this!

Ok la.. i dunno if its clear, but the WHOLE car except one wheel is on the kerb. It's like their parking space ah! one whole row of cars parked like that eh... Siao...

I'm going to Beijing on Sat... Hrmph. I miss going for followup and intercession and service eh... bleh. And I can't read blogs and I can't reply smses. Why is it only when i go to Shanghai then people sms me to ask me to go for meetings and class outing and stuff like that! Purposely one right! i knew it!

2006-06-13T15:28:00.000+08:00

I'm in Shanghai!

I reached my mom's place at 12.10am this morning. It took more than an hour's drive to get to her place from the airport. It was a weird feeling stepping into the house, its like trying to believe that everything there somehow belongs to you. Everything's new and nice. Whee!

I woke up at 7.20am today just to realize that I'm the last one out of bed and the whole house was so bright. It's approaching summer, and the days are very long. The sun is so bright even at 5am!!! What kinda timing is that!?

and of course, we need to have breakfast milk for breakfast! And according to my mom, there's also dinner milk.

wahhh my mama got driver to send her to and fro from work eh... so cool, she like so dua pai.

I know it's a little small and the person on the picture can be anybody. But its really my mom!!

I'm at my dad's place now. His office cum house. Wahahha i got 2 houses in Shanghai! Okay, its my parents place.. but their stuff is mine! i guess..

The only thing i didn't understand was this..

Why do you need a toilet bowl and a urinal in the same toilet!? Can't pee in the toilet bowl meh?

We were buying lunch when i saw this!

Then i was like super happy ah! Tot can eat chips and watch tv.

Until i saw this

-_____-'''''''' what kinda flavour is ketchup pork!?

I'm enjoying myself. I think for today, I'm going to watch tv

and wear fluffy slippers

2006-06-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

Today....

Is a day after my birthday.
It felt like a day after my birthday. Anyway thanks!! to everybody who wished me! Lichu, Eufai, Gabriel, Eunice Wang, Bee, Sherry, Lalang, Vanessa, Peyshan, Alicia, Victor, Ana, Willy, Siowling, Pastor Phua, Pastor Ann, Aunite Alice, Auntie Suzy . Thank you for remembering!

My birthday happened in camp. So I had a mini birthday celebration, with Joy, Bernice, Joel Ee, Othneil, Hanassah, Wilfred, Mingzhu, Jodi, Eddie, Kevin, Ezra, Clovis, Joycelyn and Eunice Phua. They cramped into my room, sang a really loud birthday song, gave me a plate of wedges and a strawberry cheesecake, made me say a birthday speech, blow out imaginary candles, and had wilfred prayed over me. That basically ended my birthday celebration. But i was glad enough. =)

we made victor say 'squid'.
Heh, his reaction was so cute!

i had to go to work (last min)
It was a really long story but i was really affected by it. Thank God for Wilfred who went out of his way to comfort, understand and help me. Really thank God for him.

I got tired at an early timing of 11.45pm
Don't know why. But i guess its a sign that i should go sleep.

2006-05-31T23:10:00.000+08:00

i dismantled my jigsaw puzzle...

so sad! but it was the best thing to do. I didn't touch if for such a long time, there was this thin layer of dust on it. It was just lying there getting into everybody's way and waiting for a piece (or 2) to get lost. And there's really no way i can do it. I have work, and then whole of june I'll be in shanghai or malaysia and when i come back I'll be busy with work and hall stuff again. So there's really no way i could finish up that puzzle.

I tried my best to put it as neatly as I can back into the box, without messing up the peices too much so that it'll be easier when i wanna do it next time. Which would probably be... next holiday i suppose.

2006-05-27T01:57:00.000+08:00

I'm getting really tired. And there are some things, though minute, that are really affecting me quite alot. I've been really caught up with work. I mean its nice and everything (though everything is so expensive and nice that i always have to battle the urge to steal something) but work is tiring. Coupled with the fact that I'm feeling quite feverish these days.

BUT

Thank God
For good friends who never fail to make me laugh
For listening ears if i needed someone to talk to
For sensitive friends who detect the fact that I'm feeling tired
For a nice sister who is always happy to see me come home
For supporting parents who continue asking about my progress
For a loving grandma who always cooks breakfast for me
For things to look forward to like followup and youth service
For a diary where i can pen all my thoughts and make me feel better
For an unfailing God who is in control of everything
For working in a place where my interest lies
For all the little things that tells me that things aren't that bad afterall

as for the 8 things i want my future spouse to be, hmm i'll answer it another time when I'm not feeling so sleepy.

2006-05-18T22:51:00.000+08:00

An empty house.

Well ok. not really empty, but so much quieter than before. Yesterday i reached home at 1030 and everybody was asleep already, so i spent 1.5 hours alone on the com. This morning i woke up and everybody was out already, so i spent 1 hour alone in quiet time and getting ready to go to work. I just came home from work, my sister's sleeping already, and my grandma is going to sleep now, so I'm alone again.

BUT still, He is Immanuel - He is with us. with me.

2006-05-15T23:18:00.000+08:00

12 June - 25 June (14 days in Shanghai and Beijing)

Whee...Quite exciting. I don't usually like travelling (yes i know I'm weird) but this time is to 'reunite' with my parents. Besides I'll be staying in my parents house which has internet assess, washing machine, homecooked food and a homely feeling. So... I'm ok with it. Who's going to send me off at the airport!? =P

Followup today was nice! I love followup. ok I wanted to explain why i love followup but i can't find a 'correct' answer. I just like the idea of meeting up in the middle of the week, eat dinner together, share something about ourselves and get involved in each other's life. It's something i look forward to. All i ask is that my off day will fall on a thursday (or at least a shorter working day) so that i can go for followup.

Today feels like a friday, followup used to be on fridays.